Joel Falconer at Life Hack recently offered some tips on building rapport. This is an area that I could stand to make some improvements in my own life. Being able to engage strangers in conversation can come in handy frequently (applying for a job, meeting new members of the opposite sex, etc). Here’s what Joel suggests if you have trouble building rapport, summarized.
Smile. Smiling tends to put people at ease. (Unless you’re this guy.)
Compliment. Don’t lie, but if you can subtly and genuinely compliment someone, do so. Really, you might as well anyway! But it makes people feel good, which will reflect well on you.
Make eye contact. This is a common piece of advice for public speakers. It makes it clear that you are interested in the other person.
Let them talk about themselves. Everyone is an expert on at least one thing: themselves. So if you have trouble talking to other people, let them talk. Ask follow up questions about the things they tell you. Listening is a deeply appreciated skill.
Make use of coincidences. If, while they’re talking about themselves, they mention something you have in common, talk about that. It might be the foundation for your relationship.
Match their body language. This is a pretty hardcore sales technique. The best salespeople tend to do this naturally. When two people have great rapport, they tend to speak and move in concert. Tone of voice, hand gestures, body posture, eye contact, etc. are all mimicked back and forth. If you can consciously do this with subtlety (as Falconer says, “in moderation and ‘invisibly’”) it can be effective, but without subtlety it comes across as fake.
Benefits over features. Another sales technique. Copywriters focus not on the good features of a product, but on the benefits of having those features. (Not “The vacuum has more suction,” but “The vacuum’s extra suction will keep your carpet cleaner.”) Falconer suggests you can do the same with relationships, but I think it will typically only apply to situations like job interviews. Don’t emphasize what about you makes you a good candidate for the position, but how choosing you would benefit the employer.
Diffuse tension. If a relationship is really important to you (such as your relationship with a new employer), and tension arises, recognize why the tension exists and take steps to remedy it. Of course, how far to go is always a difficult decision; in some cases, it may be worth it to concede something to the other person in order to make peace, but there are also times when your happiness will depend on drawing a line.
This reminds me of a skill that a friend from high school excelled at: code switching. This is a linguistics term for switching between dialects fluidly. She gave tours at a local museum. With each tour group, she would adjust the way she spoke to more closely match their vocabulary and way of speaking. She was a natural (and it was a pleasure to watch), but it’s possible to practice this skill. Indeed, all of these skills can be practiced. The most important thing is to put them to use.
